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Episode #43
'GOING FOR THE GOLD'
by Doug Molitor
Featuring: James,
I.Q., Tracy, Gordo, Phoebe, Trevor, Mr Milbanks, Coach Mitchell,
Goldie Finger,
Barbella.
Synopsis:
James and his Warfield classmates have traveled to
Barcelona, Spain, to take part in an international high school
athletics tournament. But while James is lifting weights at a local
gym, he's attacked by Barbella, who tries to choke him, before throwing
gym equipment in his direction! James rolls some dumbbells her way,
causing her to topple backwards into the steam room - which he locks
her in. Her clothes shrunken, she smashes her way through the outer
wall of the gym and escapes, cursing James. Later, Milbanks gives James
a grilling for a damage at the gym, and suggests it would be best if he
returned to England with him. But Coach Mitchell asks Mr Milbanks to
reconsider, since James is their best chance to win the tournament.
Milbanks grudgingly agrees.
Meanwhile, I.Q. is becoming increasingly depressed with his lack of
athletics ability, despite a show of support from Gordo, Tracy and
Phoebe. It's only made worse when Trevor turns up to taunt I.Q. and
take photographs of his failures for the front page of the Warfield
Gazette. But I.Q. isn't the only one suffering: James has sustained a
swollen ankle from his fight with Barbella, and Coach Mitchell
considers dropping him from the tournament. But James says if he goes
home he'll never find out what S.C.U.M. is up to. At their nearby
hideout, Goldie Finger is annoyed that Barbella went after James,
alerting him to their presence. She explains her latest plan to Goldie;
next door to the stadium where the tournament is being held is the
Columbus Museum, which is displaying Christopher Columbus's golden
treasures celebrating the 500th anniversary of his voyage. Goldie wants
to steal the entire lot.
Back at the stadium, James's injury suddenly dissipates somewhat as he
spots the local running champion, Ines, running around the track. She's
quickly won over by his charm and agrees to head to the beach with him
for a break. However, things quickly turn sour when they're attacked by
Barbella again, this time wielding a crossbow. The rest of the gang
also head out for a break and decide to visit the Columbus Museum. They
comment on the high security surrounding the exhibits - but Goldie is
there too, working out a way to get past the security. At
the beach, I.Q. tests out his new 'lighter-than-helium' gas, which is
so light that an average-sized balloon full of it can carry a ship's
anchor off into the stratosphere. Goldie Finger watches his
demonstration, and steals the canister of gas when he's not looking,
planning on using it against James and the others. But when the anchor
falls back to earth, it hits Barbella on the head just as she has James
and Ines cornered - followed by a beach hut falling on her too.
At their hideout, Goldie demonstrates the hyper-helium on Barbella - it
inflates her clothes so she floats to the ceiling like a balloon. She
has put the gas in mini-canisters which can be activated by remote. The
crooks stitch these into personalised jackets which they donate
anonymously to the Warfield athletics team. At the gym, Trevor tries to
bribe James's friends into dishing the dirt about his injury for a
Warfield Gazette report - so they throw dirty clothes at him until he
goes away. Coach Mitchell arrives with the donated jackets, and Ines
offers to take James's to him personally when she meets him for a drive
later on. But Barbella follows them, ready to activate the remote. She
trails them to the fortress of Alhambra, then waits for James to walk
into the open - before setting off the canister remotely. James's
jacket inflates and he begins to float off into the sky - but manages
to hold on to a loose brick at the top of the fort.
He shouts to Ines to fetch I.Q.'s telescopic vaulting pole from the
car, and uses it to puncture his jacket by pushing himself into the
branches of a nearby tree. As James returns to the ground, Barbella
runs off angrily. He finds the golden mini-canister in his jacket and
realises Goldie Finger must be behind the plan, and after the Columbus
treasure. They head back to town in the car, but Barbella is hanging
off the top, and rips the roof from the car with her bare hands. James
loses her by driving through a very low archway, sending her flying.
Back at the stadium, James and Ines tell Coach Mitchell and I.Q. what's
been going on. I.Q. realises it must have been Goldie who took his
hyper-helium. Trevor overhears part of the conversation and tries to
get the scoop, but ends up falling over instead.
After days of training the tournament is about to begin, but just
before his first event James spots Barbella and Goldie making a quick
exit from the stadium, heading towards the museum. Barbella makes quick
work of the two security guards outside the exhibition, throwing them
across the room, while Goldie fills up a huge sackful of golden
treasure. They chain up James and wrap the fire hose round the guards,
before escaping with the sack, making a getaway in their golden bus.
Using I.Q.'s hyper-helium, they turn the bus into a hot air balloon,
and it drifts off over the rooftops. As it glides over the stadium,
James, who has escaped and been hanging on the back of the bus, swings
in through the window. Spotting him, Barbella grabs the nearest thing
to throw - the sack of gold! James ducks and it flies out of the
window, into the stadium below. Barbella then tries to shove James out
of the window, but I.Q. finally proves he's better at athletics than he
thought - throwing a javelin and hitting the balloon-bus, deflating it.
Goldie and Barbella get away, but the treasure is saved, I.Q. gets
kisses from Tracy and Phoebe, and James bids goodbye to Ines.
Review:
There's not a great deal of substance to
the plot in this episode, which is basically a straightforward robbery
attempt, padded out by Barbella's repeated (and borderline comical)
attempts on James's life. The museum robbery itself is a pretty mundane
affair, and one wonders why the crooks didn't simply just wait out the
athletics competition and complete their plan when James had gone home.
There are also some fairly glaring inconsistencies: during the struggle
on the beach, the beach hut collapses on Barbella for no discernible
reason; and a fairly major geographical error (see 'Blunders &
Bloopers') makes one wonder why the writer would bother crowbarring in
an appearance of a famous landmark if it meant redrawing the map of
Spain in order to achieve it. But the good news is that the lack of
storyline does free up a bit of space for some characterisation. I.Q.
in particular gets a slightly more complex treatment than usual, as he
suffers from a lack of self-esteem over his seeming inability to
participate in sports. Goldie and Barbella are also more interesting
here, coming across very much as equals in a relationship that hasn't
always been so clear-cut in other episodes.
Highs: Barbella's sledgehammer methodology when it comes to
pursuing James is a refreshing change from the other, more
Machiavellian villains in the series - she simply throws heavy objects
at him.
Lows: Speaking of throwing heavy objects, Trevor's ineptitude at throwing the
hammer is such that he manages to propel himself into the air and
crash-land with the hammer still in his hands.
Lines to Remember: Goldie,
as Barbella throws priceless trinkets at James: "Barbella,
you idiot! Not the gold!" James: "That's
alright, I'm worth it!"
Goldie to Barbella, as their plan falls to
pieces: "Now see what you've done, you moronic mound of
muscles!" Barbella: "Me? Ha, this is all your
fault Goldie, you greedy, gold-digging gargoyle!"
Gadgets & Gizmos: I.Q.
has invented a telescopic vaulting pole for use in the high jump, and a
discus with a boomerang twist. More worrying still is his
'hyper-helium' gas, which does a great deal more harm than good.
S.C.U.M.
on the Surface: Yes - Goldie states during
the robbery that Scumlord will be proud of her.
Blunders & Bloopers: The
script would have us believe that the fortress of Alhambra is on the
outskirts of Barcelona. In actual fact it's in Andalusia, in the very
south of Spain - whereas Barcelona is located in the northeastern
extremity, at the opposite end of the country.
Notes: This is the first of two consecutive episodes to
feature Barbella. Her status as female Arnie wannabe is confirmed here,
as she uses the line: 'Hasta la vista, baby', from Terminator
2: Judgment Day.
The Warfield Gazette would feature more prominently in the later
episode, Rubies Aren't Forever
- by which point Trevor would have been promoted to editor.
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