Episode #39
'QUEEN'S RANSOM'
by Jim Carlson and Terrence McDonnell
Featuring: James,
I.Q., Tracy, Gordo, Phoebe, Trevor, Mr Milbanks, Coach Mitchell,
Captain Plank,
Jaws, Nick Nack.
Synopsis:
James
is sightseeing in Hong Kong, taking some snaps, when he notices a young
woman being chased through the streets below by Captain Plank and a
band of river pirates. He quickly intervenes, sliding down some
telegraph cables on a tablecloth. Having splattered the crooks with
eggs, James follows the woman onto a cable car. Plank sabotages it in
an attempt to finish them off, but the two jump to safety, straight
into the swimming pool of James' hotel - soaking Trevor in the process
and ruining his new suit. James calls Coach Mitchell to explain that
the woman, Jade, was kidnapped by Plank along with her father, Sir Alex
Green, who has been involved in the development of 'silk-worm'
missiles. But the call is interrupted by Mr Milbanks, and has to be cut
short. Jade explains her father is being held in a hut at a pirate camp
by the river. Plank has Sir Alex tied up there, and also has the
silk-worm missiles in his possession; but we learn that Jade managed to escape
because Jaws and Nick Nack left her unguarded.
I.Q.
decides to head to the shops to buy some supplies for his gadgets,
accompanied by Gordo, Tracy and Phoebe. Trevor is annoyed at being left
out, so steals a rickshaw and follows them. Naturally, an American
tourist mistakes Trevor for a taxi driver, and bullies him into taking
him back to his hotel. The brakes fail on a steep hill and they end up
crashing. That
evening, after Trevor shows off more new suits, James and Jade take a
slow-boat into China and locate the river-hut where Sir Alex is held
captive - as well as the missiles themselves, on board a junk. The
floor
of the hut is booby-trapped with dynamite, so they formulate
a plan. Luckily for them, Plank has left Jaws and Nick Nack in charge
(again) while he retires for forty winks. James and Jade set up a
portable stereo I.Q. bought and a series of his pyrotechnic cameras to
create a
distraction, planning to rescue Sir Alex, destroy Plank's speedboats
and escape with the missiles on board a junk.
Heading back to the hut,
they overpower a guard and untie Sir Alex. Jaws and Nick Nack catch
them in the act, but are so busy bickering that James is able to use
another of I.Q.'s cameras to temporarily blind them. They fall through
the hut floor, setting off the dynamite, as James, Jade and Sir Alex
escape. Hearing the bang, Plank and his pirates wake up and rush to the
site of the disturbance. But the other cameras and the stereo activate,
surprising the pirates and causing them to flee to the speedboats.
James and his friends head for the junk, but are spotted by Plank as
they sail away. The
pirates follow in speedboats, and James finds some spare roman candles
to fling at the pirates' boats, causing distracting explosions which
send the speedboats crashing into the river bank. Some of the pirates,
as well as Jaws, Nick Nack and Plank, manage to get on board the junk -
but are quickly despatched in a team effort by James, Jade and Sir Alex.
Meanwhile,
I.Q., Phoebe, Tracy and Gordo are out to dinner, wondering why Trevor
hasn't turned up to join them. His watch has stopped due to his earlier
drenching, making him late, so he steals yet another rickshaw.
Predictably, it gets caught in a rope, and Trevor ends up colliding
with a merchant's egg cart, before hurtling past his dining friends and
into the sea. He turns up sopping wet shortly afterwards, much to their
amusement. To thank James, Sir Alex
invites his group to a party on board the QE2 ship that evening. But
during the party, there's bad news as Sir Alex arrives, and reveals
that the containers
which James thought contained the missiles have turned out to be
empty.
At that moment, the QE2 is surrounded by a fleet of junks controlled by
Plank - he still has the missiles, and has them aimed to fire at both
the ship and the city. He demands that all the money in Hong Kong's
banks is handed over to him in 30 minutes - or else he will fire. He
demonstrates his sincerity by destroying an abandoned junk. As the
guests on the QE2 panic, James swims over to Plank's ship and manages
to climb onboard undetected. He locates the missile control system, reprograms it, and
contacts the Governor's office to inform him of the situation, before
being captured by Nick Nack and Jaws. The bunglers don't take long to
mess things up, however, and fall on top of one another, giving James
the chance to overpower them and escape. Plank
is furious to find the pair locked in a cabin, and confronts James
himself - only to get his hook caught in the chain on the anchor, along
with which James promptly winches him overboard.
Bond
then climbs the
ship's mast, pursued by Jaws, who brings the structure crashing down.
James dives into the ocean and swims back to the QE2. Plank resurfaces,
but a government helicopter arrives, and he's told to surrender.
Furious, Plank sets the first set of missiles to fire at the QE2, but
it soon turns out James altered the course of the missiles when onboard
earlier. When Plank fires, he only succeeds in destroying his own fleet
of boats - including the one he's standing on! As Plank and his minions
dive to safety, the gang enjoy the rest
of the party - except Trevor, who faints at the realisation they almost
got blown up by missiles. To revive him, Gordo pours punch on him,
causing another suit to shrink. James almost shares a kiss with Jade as
they part ways, but is
interrupted by Sir Alex, prompting a suitably terrible pun.
Review:
It's
James Bond Jr's second visit to Hong Kong,
but this time the show more starkly demonstrates its age; here, the
city still has a governor, due to its pre-1997 status as a British
dependency (no doubt this fact, as well as the setting of the QE2,
contributes to the choice of episode title). Otherwise Queen's
Ransom has aged rather well, with Plank's missile theft a
good deal more credible than some of S.C.U.M.'s other schemes. While
Jaws and Nick Nack are on hand to play their usual parts, it's
refreshing to see Plank get more directly involved in the action than
usual - he himself leads the chase for Jade in the opening sequence,
and later on pursues James dressed amusingly in only a nightshirt. Some
plot details are fairly vague (why Plank had to kidnap Green and his
daughter in order also to steal the missiles is unclear, for example);
and I.Q.'s gizmos are poorly conceived. But nonetheless an enjoyable
and engaging episode, which almost ends in an actual kiss for
James - a highly unusual occurrence.
Highs:
Having singlehandedly saved Hong Kong from destruction, James climbs back onto the QE2
drenched and dishevelled, only to be berated by Trevor for letting the
side down by not wearing full black tie. James briefly breaks the
fourth wall in response, staring straight towards the viewers in bemused despair.
Lows:
Having no rope to hand with which to tie up James, Nick Nack suggests
they use Jaws' belt instead. Jaws duly takes it off, causing his
trousers to fall down, which in turn causes him to topple directly onto
Nick Nack - whom James then locks in a filing cabinet for good measure. Lines to Forget: Jaws,
grabbing James: "Now I'm going to show you how my teeth
work." James: "Let me show you
how a shelf brace works," before kicking a shelf on top of
him.
Gadgets
& Gizmos:
It's a fairly lazy week as far as
gadgets are concerned. I.Q.'s only invention of note is a set of
cameras that let off fireworks when activated either remotely or
manually - and even they don't make a great deal of sense. He also buys
a portable stereo complete with a tape of 'military bugle calls and
battle sound effects', to help frighten Plank and his men.
Notes:
This is the second
episode to be set in Hong Kong, following Nothing to Play With;
both feature Plank, so evidently he's developed a taste for the place. Writer
Terrence McDonnell is miscredited as 'Terence' at the start of this
episode. This is the second consecutive episode penned by McDonnell and
Jim Carlson, following Avalanche Run.
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