'NO SUCH LOCH'
by Jeffrey Scott
I.Q., Tracy, Gordo, Phoebe, Trevor, Coach Mitchell,
Jaws, Bilge & Pump.
group of fishermen are enjoying a peaceful day's work on Loch Ness,
Scotland, when suddenly what appears to be a huge serpent emerges from
the depths. The skipper, Captain McGregor, radios for help, but before
he can finish his message the entire fishing boat is swallowed up by
the monster. The Warfield gang are also in Scotland to take part in a
golfing tournament, with a winning foursome comprising James, Tracy,
Phoebe and Trevor. I.Q. has invented a range of novelty golfing gadgets
for recreational use only, but Trevor overhears him showing James his
microwave-guided 'smart balls', which travel in which ever direction
you look with a special pair of sunglasses. He decides to steal the
balls and use them illegally in the tournament.
long, Lesley Moore, a sports reporter for the Cavendish News Service,
arrives to report on the tournament. But just as she's introducing
herself she receives an urgent phone call from her superiors about the
boat disappearance on the loch; eyewitnesses have said the boat was
swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster. She heads off to investigate, and
James feigns a sprained wrist in order to get out of the tournament so
that Gordo has to take over. James and I.Q. take Lesley to Loch Ness in
the sports car, where the three rent a boat and go out on the loch.
Under the water, it's revealed that the 'monster' is actually a giant
submarine belonging to Captain Walker D. Plank. Together with his
lunatic parrot, Jaws, and a pair of stooges called Bilge and Pump, he's
on the loch to steal guided missiles from a passing British navy
the Loch Ness Monster as a cover for his crimes.
As they traverse the loch in the boat, James picks up a signal on the
sonar attachment of his watch. But Plank has also detected him, and the
'monster' surfaces, biting their boat in two and leaving them floating
helplessly in the water. The mouth of the monster opens and James is
sucked into it, where he takes on a sword-wielding Captain Plank with
I.Q.'s retractable golf club. He narrowly misses being crushed by the
monster's teeth as the mouth closes again, as Plank disappears back
inside - his cronies have picked up another radar signal. This time
it's the navy cruiser, and the sub retreats to attack it. Realising
they're headed for the cruiser, James puts out a radio message to warn
them, but it's too late - the monster attacks the ship and swallows the
missiles Plank is after in one fell swoop, before disappearing into the
When James, I.Q. and Lesley are picked up by the navy cruiser, they're
shocked to find that the captain thinks they deliberately led him into
a trap, and are in on the missile-stealing operation. They strenuously
deny it, but the captain puts them in the brig anyway. Meanwhile, Plank
explains to his goons that his plan is to take the missiles to shore
and use them to shoot down a British spy satellite that is used to keep
tabs on S.C.U.M. Back at the golf course, Trevor shocks everyone with
his previously unseen abilities as an expert golfer, using I.Q.'s smart
balls to get the ball in the hole every time. On the cruiser, James and
the others manage to escape from the brig using I.Q.'s magnetic golf
tee to snag the keys from a sleeping guard.
They're soon spotted and chased by sailors, but I.Q. sacrifices himself
so James and Lesley can escape. Plank has surfaced at the shore and
orders Jaws and the others to set the missiles up at the top of the
cliff; Jaws throws a bomb into the submarine in order to get rid of the
evidence, just as James and Lesley arrive. Plank and Jaws force them
into the sub, closing the mouth behind them. The bomb explodes, and the
sub sinks to the bottom of the loch along with James and Lesley. The
pair find the captured fisherman in the brig and cut their chains with
the acetylene torch on James's watch - but he uses up all the fuel,
meaning they can't escape from the rapidly flooding vessel. But James
finds some more explosives on board, and uses them to blast a hole in
the hull so they can swim for the surface.
On the navy cruiser, I.Q. manages to convince the captain of his
sincerity by connecting the onboard computer to the British spy
satellite network - the very network Plank's hoping to immobilise with
the missiles. They're ready to fire, but James climbs the cliff in
order to try and stop them - sadly he's spotted (by the parrot). Plank
trains one of the missiles on James and Lesley but it misses; with one
left, he concentrates on the satellite. But as he fires it towards the
satellite, James uses I.Q.'s golf club and a smart ball covered with
some plastic explosive he retrieved from the sub to destroy the missile
in mid-air. As the navy cruiser turns up to apprehend them, Plank, Jaws
and the goons escape by helicopter.
With S.C.U.M. defeated and Lesley's hot scoop sent to press, James and
I.Q. return to watch the rest of the golfing tournament, where they're
shocked to discover how well Trevor is doing - he's outplayed both the
other team and Tracy, Gordo and Phoebe completely and made up for all
their mistakes. Realising he's stolen one of the smart balls and has
been cheating his way through the game, James distracts Trevor and
replaces it with a normal golf ball - after which he single-handedly
loses the tournament. Trevor denounces the game as stupid and vows
never to play it again, much to James's amusement.
No animated series is complete without
an episode about the Loch Ness Monster, and James Bond Jr
is no exception; although this isn't exactly original, it's certainly a
success. Despite an obligatory raft of terrible Scottish accents, the
episode works very well in most respects; aside from the monster sub
itself, the spy satellite plot isn't too out-there, although the
presence of the navy cruiser on the loch does call into question
exactly what the navy was planning to do with the guided missiles. The
captain of the cruiser acts almost as suspiciously as Plank himself,
locking up innocent people on a whim when they are patently trying to
help him - maybe he's up to something, too? Meanwhile, the golfing
theme of the B-plot acts as a refreshing backdrop and provides
entertainment throughout, with I.Q.'s microwave-guided smart balls
introduced as one of the show's more memorable inventions, and Trevor
Noseworthy's tournament-fixing and subsequent tantrum considerably more
bearable than the usual Trevor-snitches-on-Bond plot that so many
episodes rely on. And it almost goes without saying that Walker D.
Plank is as hilarious to watch as ever, with new sidekicks Bilge and
Pump providing an extra layer of amusement, even if Jaws doesn't get
much to do. In summary, a highly conventional but enjoyable episode that ticks almost all of the
Highs: While not strictly a plus
point, No Such Loch is worth a watch for the
voice acting alone, which lurches awkwardly between over-the-top and
plain atrocious throughout.
'secret shipment of guided missiles' on the navy cruiser are concealed
in the middle of the deck, unsecured underneath what appears to be a
blanket. Secret, indeed. Meanwhile, Plank's parrot is not just adept at
repeating human speech: it can also squawk 'Bond!' on sight and point
its wing in the direction of where he's hiding, thus revealing his
presence to Plank.
Lines to Remember: Captain Plank: 'Forget it, Bond - I'm the best there is with a sword.' James: 'Perhaps. But I'm better with a nine-iron!'
Lines to Forget: Trevor,
on I.Q.'s smart balls: 'Hmm, with a gadget like that I could
be a professional before you could say mashie niblick.'
Captain Plank, talking us through his scheme:
would ever suspect old Nessie was really out to intercept a British
navy cruiser that would be carrying a secret shipment of guided
missiles.' No - because it's completely implausible.
Gadgets & Gizmos: I.Q.'s
invented a radar/sonar attachment for James's watch, as well as a range
of golfing gizmos. His revolutionary new telescopic golf club has a
dial which can be adjusted to the desired distance you want the ball to
travel, while his smart balls will travel wherever you're looking
whilst wearing a pair of microwave-guiding sunglasses. A special
magnetic golf tee can be retrieved simply by waving the club around on
the ground, meanwhile - though it could presumably cause problems when
teeing off. He's also been working on an entirely new game - though
that's still in the pipeline.
S.C.U.M. on the Surface: James
says he doesn't believe in monsters, 'except the ones that work for
S.C.U.M.' And sure enough, Plank explicitly refers to James as having
being 'caught by S.C.U.M.' when he captures him later. A S.C.U.M.-model
chopper is also used by the crooks to escape at the end of the episode.
Bloopers & Blunders:
When Lesley receives the phone call asking her to investigate the boat
disappearances at Loch Ness, there's no gap between her saying 'hello'
and promising to get 'right on it', despite the fact that the
information she then relays back to the others is fairly long and
VHS Vault: No Such Loch featured on a
three-episode VHS release for the UK, alongside No Such Loch
of the Toreadors. The episode also received a
standalone release in the US.
the navy sailors corner him I.Q. tells them: 'I only have to tell you
my name, rank and serial number.' But as far as we're aware, I.Q. isn't
an employee of the government, secret service, armed forces or anybody
else who might issue him with a rank and serial number. What does he mean?
Captain Plank is in a
particularly foul mood in this episode, and unusually appears to take
his aggression out on his parrot - threatening to have it stuffed,
hitting it with his hook and calling it an idiot and a moron. Why does
he bother with it if it's such an annoyance?